|
Post by Fallindown on May 23, 2011 22:34:16 GMT -5
We set scene in a trash-strewn lot behind a decrepit, unhabitable trailer. A massively muscled black man circles the lot with a handheld camera. [glow=red,2,300]"Ruby” Rick Freeman:[/glow] Hey y’all! Me and my homeboy Tovin love PitFighting, but with the rate the UGPF puts out cards it’s tough to gain experience. Not to mention all that drama that we don’t want nothin’ to do with. So to solve these problems, we decided to hold our own PitFights right here in the lot behind my house! Today we brought in ex-IMMAF fighter Baob Xishuned to see if he’s got what it takes to defeat none other than my boy, Sean “The Hand of God” Tovin! Are you ready for this shit, Tovin? [glow=hotpink,2,300]Sean Tovin:[/glow] Ready as a motherfucker, Rick! Baob Xishuned vs. Sean Tovin The near eight-foot tall Xishuned lets out a huge, bellowing laugh as he gazes down at his diminutive foe.[glow=black,2,300]Baob Xishuned:[/glow] MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! You are smaller than an ant! If you defeat me, I give you the world! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Xishuned lifts his foot high in the air and attempts to stomp Tovin into the dirt. Tovin, in a remarkable exhibition of agility, evades Xishuned’s foot with a cartwheel at the last second. Xishuned tries to step on him again, but Tovin is rapidly circling around his gargantuan opponent in an effort to gain an angle on him. Xishuned quickly grows annoyed with the midget fighter as he continues to plant craters in the yard with his feet. Eventually he times Tovin’s circling and changes things up with a wicked kick to his gut, punting his dwarf opponent clean across the yard.
Tovin’s body is propelled halfway through the screen in the trailer’s back door, much to Freeman’s dissatisfaction. Tovin manages to pull himself out onto the porch just in time to see Xishuned launching himself in his direction with a mighty flying front kick. Tovin dives out of the way just in the nick of time and Xishuned ends up putting a second hole in Freeman’s door. While Xishuned’s giant leg is caught in the screen, Tovin seizes the opportunity to attack. Climbing up Xishuned’s supporting leg, he lets loose with a series of rapid jabs to his testicles. Xishuned howls in pain and tries to retaliate but just ends up punching his own nuts.
Xishuned tears up his leg pulling it out of the screen. He attempts to grab a hold of Tovin, but the wily ex-wrestler had already crawled his way up onto the giant’s bare back. Xishuned shakes furiously in an effort to throw him off, but Tovin has a good foothold in the waist of his pants. He breathes slowly and evenly as he keeps his balance and unravels his own handwrap to deal the finishing hold. When he’s ready, he climbs up onto the flailing Xishuned’s shoulders and slings the wrap around his lanky neck. Xishuned attempts to Goldmember kick his opponent off of him, but Tovin dodges each blow as he tightens the makeshift noose. Xishuned gags and falls to a knee as the blood and oxygen are slowly cut off from his brain. After about fifteen more seconds of struggling, the giant collapses face first into the grimy ground below and sends a mushroom cloud of dust into the air. Tovin hits him with a few cheap shots before removing the wrap and allowing his defeated enemy to recover. [glow=red,2,300]”Ruby” Rick Freeman:[/glow] BOOYAH!!! THAT’S HOW WE DO IT OUT HERE, BABY!!! WE RULE THE EARTH NOW!!! Freeman attempts to prod Xishuned awake so he can tell them where to claim the Earth.
|
|
|
Post by The Shreeve on May 23, 2011 23:57:03 GMT -5
, but with the rate the UGPF puts out cards it’s tough to gain experience. I was thinking the same thing and thought that in response the Pancrites could put on shows titled Neo-Pancrase.
|
|
|
Post by Fallindown on May 24, 2011 10:24:02 GMT -5
I was thinking the same thing and thought that in response the Pancrites could put on shows titled Neo-Pancrase. That's a good idea. I'll put the fights right here, too. The story would've been moving along by now, but I had ambitious hopes for Act 3 of UGPF 8, which is going to be another major clash between UGPF and Pancrase.
|
|
|
Post by The Shreeve on May 26, 2011 21:25:14 GMT -5
I figure you are currently focusing on the present so will UJSW be going on hiatus? Maybe establish an official roster for Neo-Pancrase Neo-Pancrase Roster: Scott Starnes Roger Knight Richardson Les Henderson Loki Davis Kevin Byrd Tom Martel Tristan King Masakatsu Mamushi? Am I missing anyone? "Gaijins" (those who are not affiliated with Pancrase but are there just to get fights) Ed Lauzon Rufus Duke Roy Jensen Black Rhino W.T. Brown I assume the rules of Neo-Pancrase will be those of the real life old Pancrase.
|
|
|
Post by Fallindown on Jun 9, 2011 14:20:02 GMT -5
“Ruby” Rick Freeman and Sean Tovin awkwardly stand out in the backyard. Baob Xishund has been lying face down in the grass for the past three week.[glow=red,2,300]“Ruby” Rick Freeman:[/glow] We really can’t keep lookin’ the other way every time we come out here… [glow=hotpink,2,300]Sean Tovin:[/glow] … Maybe you should wake him up. Freeman reluctantly puts down his camera and picks up a stick. He pokes Xishund in the kidneys.[glow=red,2,300]“Ruby” Rick Freeman:[/glow] Yo… Xishund. C’mon man. Xishund doesn’t even twitch. Sweats begins to drip off of Freeman’s forehead as he grabs Freeman’s arm and tries to flip him over.[glow=red,2,300]“Ruby” Rick Freeman:[/glow] Wake up, dammit! Without warning, Xishund pops his head up right in Freeman’s face.[glow=black,2,300]Baob Xishund:[/glow] BAH!!! [glow=red,2,300]“Ruby” Rick Freeman:[/glow] SHIT!!! Both Freeman and Tovin fall backwards in fright as Xishund gets to his feet.[glow=black,2,300]Baob Xishund:[/glow] Hahahaha!!! I fool you guys!!! After their hearts calm down, Tovin and Freeman join Xishund in his laughter.[glow=red,2,300]“Ruby” Rick Freeman:[/glow] Damn, man… Do you want somethin’ to eat, you been lyin’ there for weeks now. [glow=black,2,300]Baob Xishund:[/glow] It’s ok. I been eating the grass below my face. Can I have another PitFight, now? [glow=red,2,300]“Ruby” Rick Freeman:[/glow] Well, no one else showed up here. Me and Tovin were thinkin’ about doin’ some stunts like in Jackass, though. You want in? [glow=black,2,300]Baob Xishund:[/glow] Yup! UAPF STUNTS VOLUME 1: HIJACKING AN ICE CREAM TRUCK Rick Freeman zealously speaks into his camera while standing shirtless out on a street corner[glow=red,2,300]“Ruby” Rick Freeman:[/glow] Wut up, guys! Our first stunt was supposed to be an ice cream truck joust, but we realized that we need two ice cream trucks and some lances before we can do that. So instead, our first stunt’s goin’ to be hijackin’ an ice cream truck. We got this all worked out, just watch our magic! Freeman turns his camera down to Tovin, who’s dressed in children’s overalls and has his hair buzz cut. Across the street, Baob Xishund hides behind a trash can and gives the thumbs up when Freeman aims his camera over at him. The three wait on the street for about a minute before the distinctive tune of an ice cream truck starts playing in the distance. Tovin pulls a dollar out of his pocket and starts waving it around like an ADHD addled youth as soon as the vehicle turns the corner and starts heading down this block. The truck pulls up in front of the two and a disinterested looking Puerto Rican man opens the side window to take their orders.[glow=red,2,300]“Ruby” Rick Freeman:[/glow] Hello, good Sir, and thank you for stopping for my adopted, white Downs syndrome child. He cannot speak intelligibly, so I will order for the both of us. [glow=green,2,300]Ice Cream Man:[/glow] Why are you filming me? [glow=red,2,300]“Ruby” Rick Freeman:[/glow] We’re, uh… On vacation. Anyway, I would like a screwball, and a Hulk Hogan bar, and an Italian ice, and a Choco Taco, and a CarbSmart Klondike bar, and a… While the ice cream man is standing there in disbelief at how big of an asshole Freeman is, Baob Xishund sneaks up to his truck from across the street. With a heavy brick in hand, he smashes through the driver’s seat window.[glow=green,2,300]Ice Cream Man:[/glow] What the fuuuuck!?!?! When the ice cream man turns around, Rick Freeman jumps up and grabs him by the back of his shirt to try and pull him out. Xishund crawls into the back of the truck and attempts to help Freeman by hoisting the ice cream man’s legs over the top of the window, but his tall frame makes it difficult for him to maneuver inside the vehicle. Meanwhile, Sean Tovin jumps up and down on the street while shouting diatribes at the struggling truck driver.[glow=hotpink,2,300]Sean Tovin:[/glow] Get the fuck out of our van, Paki! You goddamned yard ape! The ice cream man’s shirt suddenly rips and sends Freeman falling down when he tries to pull harder. This gives leverage for the Puerto Rican to push back against Xishund, who loses his balance and slips to the floor. The ice cream man starts flailing on his face with hammerfists and yells for him to get out of his truck while Xishund screams and wildly kicks around. One of his feet knocks the truck’s shift lever out of place and causes the vehicle to start rolling down the road. [glow=red,2,300]“Ruby” Rick Freeman:[/glow] Oh, FUCK! Run! Freeman and Tovin chase after the slow, runaway truck. Once he’s close enough, Freeman picks Tovin up with an arm and throws him in through the side window to help Xishund out.[glow=red,2,300]“Ruby” Rick Freeman:[/glow] Go get him, buddy! Freeman continues to chase the truck down a hill while it picks up speed. He loses ground on the car, however, as his energy saps due to his poor cardio and musclebound frame. He’s just about to stop completely for a rest when the truck pulls over to the side of the road and stops. Freeman hustles his winded body over to see what had transpired when the driver’s side door opens and Xishund crumbles out. Blood streams out of his nose and mouth while he tries to crawl to the sidewalk, but the Puerto Rican man also steps out with an aluminum baseball bat and kicks him to the curb.[glow=red,2,300]“Ruby” Rick Freeman:[/glow] Oh shit! Freeman’s expression of fright catches the attention of the ice cream man, who charges Freeman with his weapon.[glow=red,2,300]“Ruby” Rick Freeman:[/glow] Please don’t hurt me! Freeman eats a hard shot to his shoulder from the bat and runs around the back of the truck. The ice cream man chases him and strikes him again in the ribs, knocking him down under the side window. Freeman coughs and holds a hand out in defense.[glow=red,2,300]“Ruby” Rick Freeman:[/glow] I’m sorry! It was just a joke! Before the ice cream man can hit him again, Sean Tovin leaps out of the side window and stabs him in the sternum with a stiletto knife. He sticks him again in the abdomen as he slides down his chest and the ice cream man tumbles to the asphalt. Rick Freeman immediately springs to action and stands up to stomp on his testicles.[glow=red,2,300]“Ruby” Rick Freeman:[/glow] What now, bitch! This is what happens when you fuck with us! Xishund also stumbles around to this side of the truck and soccer kicks the ice cream man in the head as soon as he sees him on the ground. He also picks the bat and gives him a few whacks to the knees before the trio scrambles into the truck to start it up.[glow=red,2,300]“Ruby” Rick Freeman:[/glow] I just have one more thing to do before we go, fellas. Freeman pulls a Rocket Pop out of the freezer in back and goes back outside to jam it in the ice cream man’s open abdominal wound.[glow=red,2,300]“Ruby” Rick Freeman:[/glow] Ok, now we can go. Freeman climbs back into truck and takes off with his partners.[glow=red,2,300]“Ruby” Rick Freeman:[/glow] What happened with you guys inside the truck? [glow=hotpink,2,300]Sean Tovin:[/glow] When you threw me in, I hit my head on a rack and then that camel jockey dropped me in inside a freezer. If I didn’t put my hand in front of the door before it closed, I could’ve been fucked. [glow=red,2,300]“Ruby” Rick Freeman:[/glow] Well, we got what we wanted in the end. The next truck we take will be easy. We’ll just pull up next to it and board it like a pirate ship. [glow=black,2,300]Baob Xishund:[/glow] Me like the sound of that! Xishund curls up in the back and starts unraveling some Hyper Stripe popsicles.
|
|
|
Post by Blindsided on Jun 15, 2011 1:45:04 GMT -5
You still haven't lost your touch.
|
|
|
Post by Fallindown on Jun 24, 2011 11:09:18 GMT -5
UAPF Stunts Volume 2: Long Beach Island Stunt 1: Bait Eating Contest At the entrance gate of the very lively Fantasy Island Amusement Park on New Jersey’s Long Beach Island, the Unauthorized PitFighting trio ecstatically greets the camera.[glow=red,2,300]"Ruby" Rick Freeman:[/glow] Hi, y’all! Although we may be on vacation here in LBI, that doesn’t mean we won’t keep dispensing our own retarded brand of mischief on the unsuspecting populace. For our first day here on the island, we decided to start things simple. You see, we bought these big ol’ cartons of raw squid and live minnows from the bait shop down the street. The challenge is that whoever can eat the most without throwing up gets the last Dora the Explorer popsicle from the freezer. That sound alright to you guys? [glow=black,2,300]Baob Xishund:[/glow] Yup. [glow=hotpink,2,300]Sean Tovin:[/glow] Hell yeah it sounds alright! I’m ready as a motherfucker for this! … So who starts eating first? Freeman pops open the big white container at the top of the stack. The three look inside to see the minnows desperately squirming around with no room to move. After a moment of standing around, Baob Xishund shrugs his shoulders dips his hand into the carton first. He bites the head off of his tiny victim in full view of several children and their parents. The others quickly follow suit and everyone grabs a container for himself. Families awkwardly look on as the trio devours their wiggling and pungently scented meal.[glow=red,2,300]"Ruby" Rick Freeman:[/glow] I’m not gonna lie… I really want that Dora the Explorer bar. You two don’t stand a chance [glow=hotpink,2,300]Sean Tovin:[/glow] This little bastards are bonier than I expected. I think I poked a hole in my gums already. [glow=red,2,300]"Ruby" Rick Freeman:[/glow] Oh, that reminds me of a story! Did I ever tell you guys about the time I was working construction in Newark and got a nail stuck in my foot? The other two shake their heads while fish entrails hang from their lips.[glow=red,2,300]"Ruby" Rick Freeman:[/glow] Well it goes like this: I’m walking down into some unfinished basement with a stack of two-by-fours in my arms. I’m a little preoccupied with this, so I don’t see the jagged-ass nail sticking out of the edge of the third to last step. I step on it and that bitch goes straight through my boot and right out the top of my foot. Needless to say, I scream like a motherfucker and drop all the boards onto the steps. I try to pull my foot out, but can’t really find a position to get it all the way free. Nobody’s around to help, so I spend about twenty goddamn minutes with that rusty fucking nail in my foot before I finally manage to maneuver my body into a position where I could wiggle it out. The funny thing about all this is that there wasn’t any blood or nothin’ when I got it out. Not even a drop. [glow=hotpink,2,300]Sean Tovin:[/glow] That’s a pretty damn good story, but I think I got one that can top it. [glow=red,2,300]"Ruby" Rick Freeman:[/glow] Let’s here it then. [glow=hotpink,2,300]Sean Tovin:[/glow] Ok, so this was back when I was working for Leonard Hauser. Old Manny Yarbrough was having some gut problems, and not his usual kind either. He was bleeding out the ass. We thought he had some colon polyps, but because Hauser didn’t provide any health coverage for us it was my job to crawl inside and see what was up. After they lubed me up and shoved me inside with a flashlight, I had to crawl through a tunnel of shit and blood to get to the problem. It was a living Hell, but when I finally got through the anal canal I found myself in a world of wonder. Yarbrough colon was like a grab bag full of prizes, which he had accumulated through years of indiscriminate dieting. I found a ton of great stuff in there: A police bicycle, an electronic back massager, a pineapple corer, and loads of miniature Doctor Spock busts. His rectal bleeding was being caused by some nails that came loose from a wooden wall clock. After I pulled them all out, I re-lubed myself with a can of WD-40 I found and squeezed back out. I brought as much stuff with me as I possibly could, including this Zelda ring I’m wearing right now. Tovin flashes a gold ring plated with the Triforce symbol at his friends. [glow=red,2,300]"Ruby" Rick Freeman:[/glow] Nice… What about you, Baob? You got any crazy stories? [glow=black,2,300]Baob Xishund:[/glow] I killed Osama Bin Laden. The other two PitFighters look at him quizzically.[glow=hotpink,2,300]Sean Tovin:[/glow] Wait, you’re a part of Seal Team Six? [glow=black,2,300]Baob Xishund:[/glow] Who? [glow=hotpink,2,300]Sean Tovin:[/glow] Seal Team Six, the guys who killed Bin Laden last month. It was all over the news. [glow=black,2,300]Baob Xishund:[/glow] What? How can that be? I have a picture of him after I shot him right here. Xishund pulls a photo out of his pocket and hands it to his two comrades.[glow=red,2,300]"Ruby" Rick Freeman:[/glow] Baob, that’s not Bin Laden… That’s just some Arab guy in a gas station uniform. [glow=black,2,300]Baob Xishund:[/glow] … Oh shit. The trio stands on the sidewalk for a moment in silence before everyone busts out laughing. As miniscule fish eyes spew from his mouth, Tovin suddenly clutches his body as an overwhelming sense of nausea overtakes his stomach. [glow=hotpink,2,300]Sean Tovin:[/glow] Oh shit… I think I’m done. [glow=red,2,300] "Ruby" Rick Freeman:[/glow] I knew you’d be the first to go. You’re a total lightweight! Tovin gets on his knees and jams his finger down his throat. Disgusted parents pick up their children and run past him as he starts to gag and heave in an effort to get the raw, parasite-laden fish out of his system. After about a minute of rupturing the blood vessels in his face, Tovin gives up as he’s unable to vomit.[glow=hotpink,2,300]Sean Tovin:[/glow] I can’t… I can’t throw up. [glow=red,2,300]"Ruby" Rick Freeman:[/glow] I guess that’s just your body’s way of telling you you’re still in the contest. Hunker down and try to eat as fast as you can… It’ll make you throw up faster and I’ll get that damn popsicle! Baob Xishund looks on as Tovin reluctantly starts chewing more fish. After a second, Xishund gags while he’s eating and puts his carton down.[glow=black,2,300]Baob Xishund:[/glow] Me no feel good either. Why we doing this anyway? [glow=red,2,300]"Ruby" Rick Freeman:[/glow] To get the damn Dora the Explorer popsicle, fool! [glow=black,2,300]Baob Xishund:[/glow] Right. Me can’t really think too straight. Me just lie down now. Xishund curls his lanky limbs into a ball and rolls onto the ground. He gags and heaves in an effort to vomit, but like Tovin he has no success.[glow=red,2,300]"Ruby" Rick Freeman:[/glow] I can’t believe you guys ! I’m gonna have to chug this last big carton all by myself! Freeman picks up the last container that’s loaded with a motley mix of live killifish and lead fishing lures and pours it down his throat. His comrades continue to groan on the ground.[glow=red,2,300]"Ruby" Rick Freeman:[/glow] Hahahahaha! You guys suck! I should get the popsicle by def- Freeman’s right eye twitches as his bowels suddenly rumble in excruciating unpleasantness. His world starts spinning at an incredibly rapid rate, forcing him to lean on the side of the gate to keep from falling down.[glow=hotpink,2,300]Sean Tovin:[/glow] Nobody’s thrown up yet. How do we know who wins the contest? [glow=red,2,300]"Ruby" Rick Freeman:[/glow] I guess… I guess we gotta go back to the bait shop to get more. [glow=black,2,300]Baob Xishund:[/glow] Oh come on! [glow=red,2,300]"Ruby" Rick Freeman:[/glow] Get in the truck! And don’t touch that Dora the Explorer bar! Freeman picks up the camera wedged in the fence and hobbles over to their ice cream truck with Xishund and Tovin. The three slump in and Freeman takes the wheel just as the police come around the block to break up the disturbance they were causing. Freeman veers off down the road before they can be arrested. Freeman blindly drive a mile down the road with his face in the steering wheel before Sean Tovin notices he put the ice cream truck music on. [glow=hotpink,2,300]Sean Tovin:[/glow] Hey, man, you turned the jingle on. Kids are chasing after us. [glow=red,2,300]"Ruby" Rick Freeman:[/glow] Really? Hold on, I gotta show you guys somethin’. Freeman parks his truck in the middle of the road, allowing the children to rush up to the side window. Freeman goes over and slides it up while drool leaks down the side of his face.[glow=red,2,300]"Ruby" Rick Freeman:[/glow] Hey, kiddies. I got somethin’ really special for you today. Just hold on and I’ll give it to you… Freeman jams his finger down his throat and begins heaving outside the window. After about fifteen seconds of this, one of the parents realizes what he’s trying to do and laces him in the mouth. Freeman falls backwards and hits his head on the freezer, nearly biting his finger off in the process.[glow=red,2,300]"Ruby" Rick Freeman:[/glow] Drive! Tovin knocks aside the gear and dives for the pedal. The truck wildly rockets all over the street, smashing against parked cars and sending pedestrians fleeing for their lives. Baob Xishund grabs onto the steering wheel just as the camera shuts off.
Hours later, inside a dingy one-bed hotel room, Freeman turns on the camera again. Sean Tovin can be heard dry heaving in the background while Baob Xishund writhes on the floor.[glow=red,2,300]"Ruby" Rick Freeman:[/glow] Wuts up, y’all. We decided to cut off the contest for now so we can focus on avoiding the police and working out our intestinal issues. We broke into this hotel room to buckle down for the night. I hope y’all get to see me again the morning. Our gut pains have only gotten worse, and we’re honestly not sure if we’re goin’ to make it till then. We all agreed, though, that the last one alive gets the Dora the Explorer pop by default. On that note, Freeman reclines on the ground and takes several heavy breathes before shutting off his camera again.
|
|
|
Post by The Shreeve on Jun 25, 2011 13:53:03 GMT -5
I was thinking about another stunt the guys could do.
A common past time in my neighborhood is to buy fireworks and shoot them at each other while drinking beer and making bonfires.
This could then escalate to where the police find them drunk and lighting bonfires turning into a full blown battle/riot.
I call this a Canada Day/4th of July (Independence Day) special.
However I think it would be entertaining to see a midget and a man nearly 8 feet tall try out parkour/freerunning.
|
|
|
Post by Tystick357 on Oct 26, 2011 19:12:02 GMT -5
Sean Tovin. That name brings back memories.
|
|
|
Post by The Shreeve on Oct 26, 2011 20:19:26 GMT -5
Maybe the UAPF guys could become competitors on Ninja Warrior though it MUST be the Japanese version of it. Several MMA fighters as well as top level athletes have tried out for the competition and for the most part failed so lets see what the UAPF guys can do.
Mixed martial artists and wrestlers
K-1 mixed martial artist Genki Sudo has competed in four tournaments, failing at the Jump Hang (6th, 12th), the Duodectuple Step (23rd), and the Log Grip (24th). Another mixed martial artist, Sanae Kikuta competed in the 8th and 10th tournaments, where he fell off of the Rolling Log in the first stage; in the 12th tournament, he fell on the Plank Bridge in the first stage. Other K-1 fighters who have competed include Tatsuji (19th competition, failed the Jumping Spider), Yudai (20th competition, failed the Rokudantobi), Andy Ologun (18th competition, failed the Rope Glider; 20th Competition, failed the Log Grip), Bobby Ologun (22nd Competition, failed the Log Grip), and Bernard Ackah (19th competition, failed the Jumping Spider).
Former Pride Fighting Championships and Pancrase Japanese mixed martial artist and pro wrestler Ikuhisa Minowa, currently competing in DREAM known as "Minowaman", was featured in the 26th competition wearing red wrestling tights, pads, and boots. He failed the second obstacle, "Hazard Swing" after jumping from the swing, and missing the rope on the platform, falling into the water below. Japanese featherweight mixed martial artist from DREAM Hideo Tokoro, (announced as a "freelance fighter") was featured right after Minowaman in the 26th competition where he failed to grab the rope to swing himself to the other side in the first obstacle "Step Slider".
Several professional wrestlers have also competed, including Tiger Mask IV, The Great Sasuke (referred to as Great Ninja Warrior in the US and UK versions), Minoru Suzuki, Hiroshi Tanahashi and Naohiro Hoshikawa. Suzuki and Tanahashi were the All Japan Triple Crown champion and IWGP Heavyweight Champion, respectively, during their runs in the course.
|
|
|
Post by The Shreeve on Oct 26, 2011 20:38:18 GMT -5
5:20
Ikuhisa Minowa
The UAPF guys probably have their own gym for this kind of thing
|
|
|
Post by Fallindown on Oct 30, 2011 10:13:28 GMT -5
With a blaring scream, a hoodlum falls face first to the gravel on a pile of his own severed fingers. Rick Champoux wipes the blood from his garden shears and bolts into the hearse parked in the gravel lot. The sound of the mob grows louder and louder, and Champoux knows that he will soon see those familiar red-and-black crosses coming at him if he does not make his exit immediately. In a sputter of dust and rock, the hearse rockets out of the lot onto the paved road.
As he approaches the commercial district, Champoux frantically begins going over the possible drop-points Serpico gave him. Although he was assured each one would be safe, the horticulturist has lost much confidence in the supposed foolproofness of the UGPF’s rescue plan. He has seen what “Mr. Pancrase” is capable of and is wracked with fear of being in the same state as him, let alone the same island. With the uncertain state of his passenger, however, Champoux does not have much time to deliberate.
Far in the distance stands the towering beacon, Barnegat Light. The hearse rolls along down the road while Champoux repeatedly glances behind him. It appears this is the spot where the transaction will have to occur. Champoux pulls on to the exit towards Barnegat Lighthouse State Park, hoping that no one will take notice of him. It’s immediately apparent that his prayers will go unanswered.
Traffic Cop: Excuse me, sir. Please roll down your window.
[glow=silver,2,300]Rick Champoux:[/glow] Shit…
Champoux complies with the officer guarding the blockade, making sure to keep his nervous backwards glances as subtle as possible.
Traffic Cop: Is there a funeral procession coming along this way?
[glow=silver,2,300]Rick Champoux:[/glow] Uh, no sir. The funeral is in Beach Haven. I just want to visit Barnegat Light before I have to be there.
Traffic Cop: Oh, ok. Can you keep both of your hands visible, please?
Champoux keeps his prosthetic left arm out of view.
[glow=silver,2,300]Rick Champoux:[/glow] What exactly do you want from, sir?
The officer’s radio suddenly goes off. In the rambling sputter of words that exudes from the microphone, Champoux manages to pick out “detain.”
Traffic Cop: Sir, I said put both of your hands on the steering wheel!
Champoux glances backwards again as his veins swell with adrenaline. Gangs of men in shirts bearing the Cross of Pancrase are emerging on all sides of the hearse, including from beyond the blockade to Barnegat Light. Within a second, the hearse is rolling in reverse back through the exit, creaming a few hoodlums in the process. The traffic cop instinctively reaches through the window in an effort to stop him, but he ends up eating pavement after Champoux impales his hand. A chain of Pancrites forms across the road as they attempt to chase down the fleeing hearse, but by the time they reach the exit Champoux is well along on the highway.
The one-armed driver vainly attempts to contrive a plan for his next step. Nothing relevant pops into his head. No drop-points, no bridges off the island. The only thing that comes to mind is a notion that’s been lingering in the back of his head since he started this mission, a notion that’s very apparent to him now. Pancrase, whether visible or not, has completely saturated this island and God knows where else outside. The only people who could protect him would have to sift a deathtrap miles wide just to contact him. He is completely cut off from the UGPF.
[glow=red,2,300]“Ruby” Rick Freeman:[/glow] WHAT THE SHIT!!! WE GONNA GET T-BONED!!!
While mindlessly sailing down the highway, unconcerned with what’s in front of him, Champoux ends missing the stop sign. What results is the hearse bouncing off the side of an ice cream truck and spinning straight into a small gulley on the side of the road. Champoux still doesn’t bat an eye.
[glow=red,2,300]“Ruby” Rick Freeman:[/glow] C’mon! Let’s fuck this dude up!
Freeman bursts out of the back of the truck with his two companions in tow. The three menacingly march across the road to stomp a hole through the hearse’s one-armed driver. When Champoux exits his car, however, a look of apprehension suddenly overcomes Freeman’s face.
[glow=red,2,300]“Ruby” Rick Freeman:[/glow] Woah, woah, woah! Fall back, everyone!
Freeman flees back behind the truck. Tovin and Xishund confusedly stand around for a second before rushing over to join him.
[glow=hotpink,2,300]Sean Tovin:[/glow] What the Hell is wrong with you? I want to murder this asshole!
[glow=red,2,300]“Ruby” Rick Freeman:[/glow] Look, Wee-Man, I don’t know if you noticed, but that guy drives a hearse and has a pair of scissors for his left hand. I think maybe we should exercise a little caution and get the fuck out of here before he comes over.
Champoux suddenly pops up behind the truck and meets the trio.
[glow=red,2,300]“Ruby” Rick Freeman:[/glow] FUCK! Get in and drive!
Freeman dives through the driver’s-side window and gets stuck in half-way. Xishund and Tovin back up away from Champoux into the side of the truck, but Champoux does not assume an aggressive posture.
[glow=silver,2,300]Rick Champoux:[/glow] Wait! I know you guys! You’re the Unauthorized PitFighters! Please, come with me! I’m in dire need of your help!
Champoux rushes back to his hearse. Xishund and Tovin glance at each other before following the horticulturist, leaving Freeman to dangle inside the window.
[glow=red,2,300]“Ruby” Rick Freeman:[/glow] That fuck’s goin’ on out there?
Champoux leads the two to the back of his hearse inside the gulley. Glancing all around to make sure there are no Pancrites in the vicinity, he opens the trunk and reveals to the duo a cast-iron coffin inside the funerary vehicle.
|
|
|
Post by The Shreeve on Oct 30, 2011 21:33:49 GMT -5
Inside the gloomy basement of the Newark Cyber Cafe is Leonid Grigoriev hiding from the sea of red and black crosses donned by the Pancrites. The PitFighters have been strategically outnumbered and defeated logicstically in the War for New Jersey. Not to mention the indomitable esprit de corps of the Pancrase forces. Living next door is former IMMAF fighter and football player Regis Simmons who comes charging down the stairs frantically to meet the PitFighter-in-exile.
Regis Simmons: Ohhh man this ain't looking so good for you Leonid, we’re practically surrounded by Pancrase cronies. I also think they got Freddy because he was at the arcade a couple of days ago and I haven’t heard from him since.
Leonid turns around in his chair where he was using an outdated computer to research possible escape routes
Leonid Grigoriev: You honestly think I didn’t know that? Besides Freddy should turn up sometime soon probably went to a gaming convention or cosplay and didn’t tell anybody you know how he is.
Regis Simmons: I am just afraid that the Pancrites might have captured him after all it’s easy to manipulate the poor kid.
Leonid Grigoriev: Right now is not the time to worry about him because at the moment it is more important to get me out of here. A great purge of PitFighters is happening right now and they won’t stop until every PitFighter is out of the entire state. The problem is that my only choice is to co-operate with the UGPF organization for my own survival and the only contact number I have is to Greg Frazier. He was president when I had my fight against Kevin McPhee back in the day maybe if I am lucky he still is.
Regis Simmons: Man that was before you were even in the IMMAF and only having one fight are you certain that they are even specifically looking for you?
Leonid Grigoriev: Trust me I know they are. No matter how reformed I may seem focusing on computer programming and my glory days in MMA as IMMAF light heavyweight champion they will not just let me go. Pancrase needs confirmation of my allegiance and frankly I don’t feel like telling them anything because it is degrading. I actually see an opportunity to once again do something great in my life instead of just sitting around here in disappointment and fear. Unfortunately I do not have much time to prepare. I won’t even bother calling Greg Frazier for assistance in getting me re-established in Ukraine I just have to trust my gut instincts. Once I arrive in Kharkiv I will let you know,ok? Now I must pack all my things to get to airport.
Regis Simmons: Good luck man but what makes you so sure things will work out?
Leonid Grigoriev: Well Frazier once held a large event in Ukraine and I know he will need help in establishing a UGPF stronghold there. Sorry that I can no longer engage in friendly conversation but the best thing you could do for me is to assist in packing up my belongings.
Regis Simmons: Alright I understand.
|
|
|
Post by The Shreeve on Oct 30, 2011 22:23:11 GMT -5
With the help of Regis Simmons, Leonid is able to pack up all of the necessities with lightning fast speed. Regis then starts to slow down and try to calmly dial the number to a taxi while Leonid is shaving his beard in the nearby half bathroom. After shaving Leonid changes into a Pancrase workout suit disguise.
Leonid Grigoriev: Alright Regis you stay inside while I go out and wait for the taxi to arrive. Remember just be cool and if they track the place down don't tell them anything ok? Goodbye my friend.
Regis waves goodbye as Leonid is walking up the stairs toward the light potentially taking his first steps toward the PitFighting sanctuary of Ukraine.
Leonid waits for awhile wondering when the taxi will arrive becoming increasingly concerned. Still Leonid believes his disguise will hold up having bought piles of Pancrase merchandise on Yahoo Japan in preparation for his escape. The occasional Pancrase thugs continue to pass by even as the weather continues to get worse. No one seems suspicious of Leonid yet.
Leonid Grigoriev: Yeah I should have expected this.
One Pancrase superior, a propagandist campaigner walks up beside Leonid and strikes up a conversation.
Pancrase Propagandist: So what are you waiting for buddy?
If the weather wasn't so chilly and windy Leonid would be sweating.
Leonid Grigoriev: Oh just for a taxi I heard that some PitFighters are camping out at the airport.
Pancrase Propagandist: Interesting well you go do that then. Right now we are just patrolling seeing if there is any place that might be hiding some PitFighters. Say you wouldn't happen to know if there is anybody in that cyber cafe?
Leonid Grigoriev: Nah man I checked the place is clean of all the PitFighting scum.
Pancrase Propagandist: Good but this area still has a long ways to go before it is fit for the arrival of the Messiah however I will take your word for it that at least the cyber cafe is PitFighter free. We do not need anyone spreading messages of nihilism in this neighborhood especially with all the students around who have their entire futures ahead of them. If they are truly smart about not letting their minds go to waste they should all visit the local Pancrase chapters and learn about all the benefits.
This cyber cafe though seems like an awfully good place though for PitFighters to organize, are you absolutely sure that no one there is sympathetic to their cause?
in a somewhat apprehensive voiceLeonid Grigoriev: Oh yeah for sure! Well here comes my taxi so I will be seeing you then.
The Pancrase Propagandist seems suspicious of Leonid and immediately makes a call to his own superiors.
Pancrase Propagandist: We have a building that needs to be checked as it is missing the certified PitFighter free sign and a suspected PitFighting sympathizer is heading down 206 Washington St towards Newark Liberty International Airport. Elites will be necessary to facilitate this extraction over and out.
Leonid breathes a premature sigh of relief while sitting in the backseat of the taxi.
|
|
|
Post by Fallindown on Oct 30, 2011 23:25:08 GMT -5
The hotel lights rattle noisily on the ceiling, illuminating the writhing woman’s face with a fiery orange glow. The four haggard men standing around the bed look down on her with unease. Once again, the next step is not clear. UAPF STUNTS VOLUME 3: RESCUCITATING A WOMAN WHO’S BEEN TORTURED AND RAPED FOR THE PAST SEVERAL MONTHS [glow=hotpink,2,300]Sean Tovin:[/glow] I don’t know, man… I’ve mended a lot of PitFighting wounds in my day, but I’ve never had to deal with anything like this. Why don’t we just take her to a hospital? [glow=silver,2,300]Rick Champoux:[/glow] No, we have to keep her hidden. The Pancrites have a strong connection with most of the clinics on this island. There’s no way of telling who’s safe to trust. [glow=hotpink,2,300]Sean Tovin:[/glow] Then how come you trust us? [glow=silver,2,300]Rick Champoux:[/glow] I’ve seen you in the UGPF tapes… You were amongst the examples given to us of how NOT to behave. Champoux slumps backwards into a chair and drops his head.[glow=silver,2,300]Rick Champoux:[/glow] When I was forced into this mission, I had to be totally immersed in the Pancrase culture. I lived with them, ate with them… I sat through their indoctrination ceremonies. If I hadn’t found her in the nick of time, I think even my mind would’ve succumbed to the brainwashing. The lives of young Pancrase recruits are a contradicting mix of brutality and repression. You three are far too unrestricted to have lived a Pancrase life. [glow=hotpink,2,300]Sean Tovin:[/glow] Ok, then… What do we do from this point? [glow=silver,2,300]Rick Champoux:[/glow] Is there any way you can get in contact with someone else with the UGPF? [glow=red,2,300]“Ruby” Rick Freeman:[/glow] They call us, mang. I don’t know anything about what Ouedraogo is doing. Champoux heaves a deep breath.[glow=silver,2,300]Rick Champoux:[/glow] I guess we’ll have to go out and check the other drop-points. With luck, they’ll have the Mysterious South American Champion waiting to protect us. [glow=red,2,300]“Ruby” Rick Freeman:[/glow] … The South American Champion is dead, holmes. Champoux looks up with his mouth agape. Freeman uncomfortably glances down at Tovin, as if to cue him to tell the story.[glow=hotpink,2,300]Sean Tovin:[/glow] It happened in Socotra. The Champion was slated to fight Colby Irvin. Everyone thought Irvin was going to die if he fought him, so the whole camp made an earnest effort to convince the Champion to let him be. Ouedraogo even put together an extra fight involving himself just to give everyone else more time to talk the Champion down. Ouedraogo nearly killed himself and his opponent trying to extend his fight as long as possible. It didn’t do any good. When the Champion says he wants to fight, he’s going to fight no matter what. Irvin was the only one who had confidence that he could win. I’m not entirely sure what happened… I really just couldn’t believe what I was seeing in front of me. But the way he fought simply transcended reality. Nobody ever saw anyone stand up to the Champion like he did. After about twenty or thirty minutes of battle, Irvin locked on a triangle choke and the heavens erupted. The Champion must’ve slammed him a hundred times while the rain pounded the sand. In the end… Tovin pauses as if he doesn’t believe the words coming out of his own mouth.…. He succumbed to Irvin’s choke. [glow=silver,2,300]Rick Champoux:[/glow] And that killed him? Tovin simply gazes at the ground. [glow=hotpink,2,300]Sean Tovin:[/glow] Despite the loss, not many people were overwhelmed with grief. Everyone at the time was just too happy that Irvin was still alive. Irvin himself was uncharacteristically cocky after the fight. His triumph whipped him up in an intense, manic frenzy. You really had to be there to grasp just how insane he was. I mean, his reaction was almost as unexpected as his victory. After three hours or so of this, he wandered off into the desert until we couldn’t here him anymore. Everyone at camp just shrugged their shoulders and began preparing to leave the island the next morning. After night fell, a strange sense of... Evil descended upon the camp. Everyone could feel it, but no one could express what it was. As we all met in the middle of camp to figure out what was going on, a sound of commotion erupted from the hills. Everyone clambered up the cliff to see what was going on. What we found… [glow=red,2,300]“Ruby” Rick Freeman:[/glow] Yo! I don’t want to think about that shit again! He doesn’t even need to hear this! [glow=silver,2,300]Rick Champoux:[/glow] No, I want to know what happened! Tovin shuts his eyes.[glow=hotpink,2,300]Sean Tovin:[/glow] What we found was Colby Irvin. His flesh had been stripped from the inside out, and his bones and entrails were strewn across the ground as if he had exploded. Nobody could offer any explanation. All of the PitFighters in camp raided every inch of Socotra over the next two days. We pinned down and questioned every single person on that island, but the only answers we got were vague and seemed to credit his death to a local superstition. I don’t remember much about it… Something about a red behemoth descending into the sea. Champoux suddenly sits erect in his chair and begins quivering violently, causing the UAPF trio to jump backwards in shock. Memories of the Pancrase indoctrination ceremonies begin rushing passed the horticulturist’s eyes.[glow=silver,2,300]Rick Champoux:[/glow] I… I thought it was just pseudoreligious propaganda. But the myths are true… … Mad… Mars…
|
|